Tossers of Tennis.

G'day Tragics,

I had to write this while it is fresh in my noggin.  It comes after last nights epic Australian Open semi between Novak Djokovic and Andy Murray. 

There is no doubt that the Serbian can play tennis....the lad is a gun, but is there a bigger drama queen / wanker than the world number one?

In my eyes, there a quite a few tossers floating around in the ATP and WTA currently.  I shouldn't just settle on giving Novak an uppercut.  The Scotsman is a bigger sook than most of the contestants on the "Biggest Loser".....anyways.

Before you tennis lovers come and burn down my house, let me explain myself.  Some of the traits that give tennis players a direct ticket into my hall of shame are as follows:

- Faking injuries - C'mon Novak! Enough is enough buddy. I made and cancelled your funeral arrangements 16 times during last nights match.  At least take some limping classes, it looked like you had one of Bagdahtis's rackets stuck up your base line.  The moaning and groaning, trainers time-outs and hang dog demeanour is a joke.  Nadal plays with knees that are worse than Betty White's and just grits his teeth and gets on with it....have a cup of cement and harden up!

Novak isn't the only one....you know who they are.

- Mouthing off at officials - It's fine to let off a bit of steam every now and then...professional sport is a high pressured, tense environment.  Feel free to question a call every now and then by all means, but please don't threaten the officials with violence or even death please Serena. 
Holy crap, does this girl go off like a frog in a sock!  If things aren't going her way she becomes extremely scary (sorry scarier).  Yelling and screaming, mixed in with a pinch of crying.  A huge tanty chucker to match her huge glutes.  While her mum sits up in stands like a freaky queen of Sheba, Serena decides whether she will eat the lines woman with or without ketchup.  Not a pretty sight.

- Smart arse press conferences - This one is for you Andy.  Every now and then a journalist will ask a dumb question like: "How did it feel when you got smashed in the nuts?"
It happens, no big deal.  If I was getting over a million bucks a year to play a sport I love, I would smile and answer every question with humour and grace (maybe a little sarcasm).
My point is, Roddick carries on like a spoilt brat almost every time he opens his trap.  Is he pissed off because he looks like Stiffler from the American Pie movies and everyone keeps calling his Mum a M.I.L.F?  Who knows?  The brat thing is not cool and never really was (don't tell McEnroe - he will just die).

The sport does need characters - not giant penises that call themselves a tennis players.

-Shrieking during points - For some reason some girls find it necessary to fake an orgasm every time they hit a ball.  Is there something we don't know about going on?  Is hitting the perfect forehand equivalent to sitting on the spin dryer or riding a horse on a very bumpy trail for the ladies?  I highly doubt it!

Let's pick on Miss Sharapova (surprise, surprise).  Her grunting or shrieking makes it impossible for me to sit through one of her matches without looking up hit-men in the yellow pages.  There is nothing more painful in sport than listening to the Russian glamour doing her vocal gymnastics.  She doesn't do it at all in the warm up, so it can only be classed as dirty, rotten, stinking, filthy cheating.
For me it's the same a a cricketer skying a catch, then running over to the fielder under it and screaming "Drop it wanker!".  There is no place for such crap.  Shut the f$%k up!

Tennis stars are people and are entitled to mistakes, but it seems like more and more are turning into selfish twits that think they are as important the ball boys and girls...they'r not!  There is no shame in being classy.  The match between Roger and Raffa was a stunning example of great tennis and sportsmanship.  This is what the fans really want, so come on guys and girls - leave your egos at the door and play some figgin' tennis....Tragic!

My TOP 5 Worst
1. Djokovic
2. Roddick
3. Sharapova
4. Serena
5. Murray (Sad sack)

My TOP 5 Best
1.Nadal
2.Federer
3.Li Na
4.Wozniacki
5.Clijsters

WHO ARE YOURS?

My Opinion on the Aussie Test Cricket Team.

G'day Tragics,

As the saying goes - "Opinions are like arseholes....everyone's got one".

The make-up of the Australian test cricket team has made every Tom, Dick and Harry come out of the woodwork with their 2 cents of wisdom.

After some horrible defeats, mind boggling selections and some in-house back stabbing the team has settled into some solid cricket against the woeful Indians and looks to be finally heading in the right direction. 

Whether you want it or not, I'm going to share a few of my thoughts about Aussie cricket and hopefully you can tell me how right I am.....or not.

Selectors.
Selectors are blokes that have been hired to identify the best talent in the land and then give them the opportunity to become Australian cricketers.  This honour is a huge one and can not be handed out lightly...did anyone tell Andrew Hilditch this.  I know he's gone now, but I'm going to dance on his grave a little more.  Hilditch was a tremendous opener for Australia, playing many a gritty innings for his country.  Why did he have to trash his reputation by taking on a job he wasn't cut out for?

Australian cricket cleary had to rebuild and find a spinner.  We had some good, but not great spinners going around, some young, some not so young.  Off the top of my head, their was McGain, Hauritz, Krezja, Beer, Doherty, Cullen and a few others that escape me - they came in and out of the Aussie team like hookers on a booty call.  Some of these guys had some success (Krezja 11 odd wickets on debut) and some struggled.  Either way, none of them were given a real chance and even before that stage were picked after doing jack shit for their state.  Hilditch and his boys were looking for an instant Warnie and if they failed to rapidly deliver they were sent to the glue factory.

Post Hilditch the selectors have settled on Nathan Lyon, who to me looks alright.  He forces batsmen to play and constantly asks questions.  If he has a quiet game, the rumours of a Warne return drift around like an uninvited fart and lately the ever green Bradley Hogg has stuck his beak in.  Hopefully Lyon with be backed and given a chance to prove his worth...time will tell.

Batting wise it's been a similar story.  Hasty selections of blokes that could be superstars one day, but have done stuff all currently.  Steve Smith springs to mind.  He might be a nice young man, but I'd imagine he'd probably be 6th picked in primary school lunchtime cricket.  He could field a bit, but it was almost like he was on a "learn to bat as you go" type contract.  Blonde hair and an earing does not make you a test cricketer....he needed some tatts also.

Knee jerk changes could summarise the disasterous selections of the past few years.  I admire the investment in youth, but for me those chosen were too raw.  Phil Hughes may have been an exception.  Weight of shield runs, made Hughes impossible to ignore, but his flawed technique was not ready for the test arena.  He was shuffled in and out, was hammered by the media, it was a total train wreck.

Selection is a tough job, but for a nation that led the way for twenty years, our policies and practices fell apart and guess work took over.  Boonie and Merv should stick to sinking cans!

20-20
There is no doubt that 20-20 cricket is an excitement machine that is here to stay.  It is an opportunity for average young cricketers to make obscene ammounts of cash.  There is no doubt that the abbreviated form of the game has had a dramatic impact on test cricket already.  I have just finished watching the Aussies smash the Indians in 2.5 days and early finishes have become common place in the long form.  Watching 12 wickets fall in a day is a common occurance and this can safely be attributed to the rash shots top order batsmen are playing early in their innings.  It's almost like Warnie with a choccie muffin (back in the old days), they can't help themselves.  Flashes outside off peg are automtic movements, like a doctor wacking your knee during a reflex test.

Cricket Australian have to factor in the 20-20 effect.  They have to ensure a separation between the 20-20 and test squads (excepting Davey Warner maybe).  They have to keep a leash on the youngsters and their massive IPL contracts to ensure their heads don't explode. 

The Coach
The coaching roll has always been a controversial postion on the cricket landscape.  Bobby Simpson in my mind was hugely influential in turning round Aussie cricket.  His dedication to fielding excellence played a huge part in our cricket becoming world conquering and the players instilling a huge dose of self confidence in themselves.

Since those days different coaches have come and gone.  Each offering their own snippett of wisdom or improvement into the team.  Over time the money, fame and stature that is now enjoyed by players has caused many to think they don't need a coach to tell me how to train and what to do.  Shane Warne has led the attack on former coaches, which to me is as week as piss by Warney.  Leave that sort of stuff to Aker Shane.

Not being much of a cricketer, I'm unsure of how much a cricket team needs to be coached, but every sports team needs a mentor or such.  Can anyone out there in tragic land tell me why one of the biggest and most successful cricketing nations in the world can't find one bloke in this country that can do this job.  It embarrasses me, makes me cringe, makes me wish I had put in for it.  No offence to Mickey Arthur, but come on!

My Continued Success Formula
- Less contracts - Cricket Australia hands out contracts to blokes that aren't even playing shield cricket.  It's a disgrace.  Make the players fight for one and earn it.  It makes me want to vomit when I see blokes on the KFC adverts that i wouldn't give a nugget to, let alone a game for Australia.  This is something the Poms have recently got right.

- Stick with the current crop - The squad we now have, has everything we need to become a power again.  We have to stick with these bloke (Haddin excepted).  When some of the young blokes have cemented their spots in 12 months time, it may be time to move on Huss and Punter, but right now they are needed to induct the youth, that is a perfect blend of attack and stability (Cowan, Marsh, Warner, Kawaja, Watson).

Our bowlers are looking awesome at the moment.  Barring injury we have the most potent attack in world cricket (Hilfy, Patto, Starc, Sidds, Cummo, Harris).  These blokes must be nurtured and developed, they will get us through for the next 10 if we look after them.

Lyon is our spinner, we need to dig up a leggie and develop, but other than that, bowling is rock solid.

Haddin must go when Paine is fit, or give Matty Wade a go.  Hadds has been a good servant, but when your byes tally is higher than your own average its time....enough said.

-Ditch one dayers.

One day cricket is dead in this era for now.  It is a waste of time and money.  Let players play the long form or hit and giggle.  The death of the 50 over version is painful and agonising.  Do the humane thing CA.

Well I hope you found my thoughts insightful or on the flip side you may thing I leak more crap than a broken sewage pipe.  I think we've currently go it right, but we have to keep the ball rolling.....Tragic.